By Chip Letzgus
Greetings, Idol Nation!
The Olympics are over. There are earthquakes everywhere. Every story in the news is sad or frightening or both. And this season’s crop of contestants on “American Idol,” taken as a whole, is dismal.
Leave it to my friend Martha to come up with something designed to bring a modicum of happiness into this vale of tears: She created a Fan Page for my “Idol” reviews on Facebook. I’m not saying this will make life worth living again, or that it will even be as uplifting as the new recording of “We Are the World,” but for those of you who are tired of e-mail and want something to do while you’re waiting for your rutabagas to grow on FarmVille, here it is: Chip's Idol Mind. If you can’t bring yourself to become a fan of any of this year’s singers . . . well, at least become a fan of mine.
So the women were supposed to sing tonight, but because of a mysterious malady that landed Crystal Bowersox in the hospital (tooth decay?), the men were asked to perform a day early. Hoping for the best, I thought this might bring a quality of spontaneity to their performances. I’m not sure that happened, but even with less preparation, they were better than they were last week.
Not much better, but better. In order of appearance:
MICHAEL LYNCHE—It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World—1 / 95
Ah, the personal trainer whose client list includes Ruben Studdard and Kirstie Alley. Michael, all in black (it’s very slimming) and sans guitar, tore into this James Brown song and demonstrated great vocal variety, perfect pitch, appropriate facial expressions and the fact that he knows how to move. A very entertaining performance and, as it turned out, the night’s best.
JOHN PARK—Gravity—9 / 82
So the theme of this week’s up-close-and-personal video segments preceding each performance was that old standby, “What America doesn’t know about me is . . .” And what John believes what America doesn’t know about him is . . . that English is his second language. Delusion: it’s not just what’s in the Jergens bottle.
John said he was “working on the honesty” this week, which reminded me of George H. W. Bush speaking dismissively of “the vision thing.” “The honesty,” sadly, eluded John, whose every emotion—including the heavy sighs of despair between lines of this self-pitying and indulgent ballad—seemed forced and inauthentic. The melody didn’t give him much of a chance to show his vocal range, which made the one bum note he hit, on the word “knees,” all the more inexcusable.
CASEY JAMES—I Don’t Want to Be—4 / 90
What America doesn’t know about Casey is that he doesn’t have a TV. But he does have an electric guitar, which he spent too much time at the beginning and end of this song playing (at the end, it just looked stupid). The song has a very limited range, so there really wasn’t a lot of singing going on here. A real comedown from last week, when Kara Dimwitless was so taken with this guy that she ovulated on stage.
ALEX LAMBERT—Everybody Knows—7 / 85
Oh, this poor child. In the sixth grade, he invented a language that he still uses to write dummy lyrics for songs he’s composing, and last week, before his performance, he threw up. He’s on the wrong show: “American Idol,” out—“Big Bang Theory,” in! Alex was terrified on stage again tonight: He kept smiling in all the wrong places of the lyric, and during the brief pauses between lines, he couldn’t look at the audience—he had to look at his guitar. After the judges’ critiques (which were quite supportive), Ryan Seacrest asked Alex whether he really wanted to be here, and Alex’s answer told us all we need to know. He said, “It’s like my dream right now.” Betcha ten bucks that’s the same thing he said last summer when his dad asked him if he’d like his own car, and five years before that when Santa asked him if he wanted a PlayStation. Begone.
TODRICK HALL—What’s Love Got to Do With It?—8 / 84
And now, wearing a fashionable silver jacket from the Rod Roddy Collection, here comes Todrick, who really wants to be a dancer. He did a slowed-down, bluesy arrangement of Tina Turner’s mega-hit, which gave him a chance to interpret the lyrics of the verse. Sadly, he didn’t take the chance, and watching him was like watching Kevin Kline in that scene from the movie In and Out, where he’s trying to stifle his inner gayness and not dance while a Donna Summer song is playing on the radio. Finally, Kevin Kline kouldn’t take it anymore, and neither could Todrick, who turned all “Dance Fever” at the end. Another contestant who’s on the wrong show.
JERMAINE SELLERS—What’s Going On—10 / 80
Oh, my God. In his spiky hair-do, wearing his black shirt with pink polka dots and his pink plaid bow tie, Jermaine looked like the African-American Pee-wee Herman. (It’s a little-known fact that “Jermaine” is actually African-American for “Herman.”) Under the circumstances, how could one be surprised that he turned a song about social consciousness into a party singalong like, oh, I don’t know, “Love Shack”? The whole effect was jarring. No, not jarring—canning, since I suspect on Thursday night the audience is going to can him.
ANDREW GARCIA—You Give Me Something—6 / 87
I found out on Sunday night that a friend of mine is actually related to Andrew Garcia. I forget the exact connection, but it’s along the lines of my friend’s mother’s cousin being married to Andrew’s cousin’s mother’s friend, twice removed. They’ve never met, so I’m hoping I’ll be forgiven for not being Andrew’s #1 fan. Although he has a good range of vocal tricks, in tonight’s performance he was off key, didn’t use any final consonants, and pretty much looked and sounded like a gang member trying to avoid execution. Lots of potential, but very little payoff.
AARON KELLY—My Girl—2 / 93
Aaron is a contestant that in only five days I had completely forgotten. He’s one of the cute teenage boys in this year’s crop, along with Alex Lambert and Bobby Sherman. But as he sang, I wrote down, “Pretty good vocal. In fact, very good vocal.” The song was appropriate for a 16-year-old, and I can see him attracting the same kind of fan base as, say, a Jesse McCartney. The last note was awful, but the rest was really very good.
TIM URBAN—Come On, Get High—5 / 88
Oh, that’s right; Bobby Sherman’s name is actually Tim Urban. Here’s a story problem for you, based on what Tim told us America didn’t know about him: “Tim has one more sister than he has brothers. Tim’s sister has one less sister than she has brothers. How many children are in the Urban family?” Figuring that out will be far more interesting than Tim’s performance was; he’s cute, but he doesn’t have as good a voice as Aaron, and he’s not enough of an actor to interpret the lyrics to the songs he performs, especially since we can’t see his forehead, thanks to all that Bobby Sherman hair. Not long for this world.
(Answer: Tim has four brothers and five sisters; his sister has four sisters and five brothers; there are ten children in the Urban family. How’d you do?)
LEE DEWYZE—Lips of an Angel—3 / 92
Now, here’s a song you can sink your lips into. It’s about a guy whose ex-girlfriend calls him while his new girlfriend is asleep in the next room. You can imagine the performance: Anguished whispers and quiet pleading as our hero realizes that his ex is the one that he loves. Well, that lasted about four measures before Lee started wailing at such a fevered pitch that even if the new girlfriend was comatose she would have been up and out of bed and screaming, “Who the hell are you talking to like that?” I mean, this performance made it totally clear to me how it all went down between Tiger Woods and Elin. Well, whatever. Lee Dewyze, who I still think of as Danny Gokey II, was on key throughout and has a great tone to his voice. Ability to infuse meaning into the lyrics? Not so much.
Up to me? I’d send John Park and Pee-wee Jermaine off to ignominy. Somehow I think it’s going to be Jermaine and Todrick, though, who will be voted off by America. We’ll find out Thursday! In the meantime, let’s all hope for Crystal Bowersox’s recovery—this season of “American Idol” cannot afford to lose one of its few interesting contestants.
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