by Chip Letzgus
Greetings, Idolympians old and new!
With speed that Bode Miller could only dream of achieving in the downhill, another year has flown by. Suddenly it’s February again, and that means it’s time for me to perform my community service—watching “American Idol” so you don’t have to.
My ongoing lack of traditional, old-fashioned, full-time, outside-the-home employment will allow me to stay up late on Tuesday (and, for the next three weeks, Wednesday) nights so that I can tell you what you think of the evening’s performances at the earliest possible moment.
Don’t fret that I won’t be able to pay the cable-modem bill, though: Since we last corresponded, I’ve been self-employed as a freelance writer, working for a number of clients, but primarily Toyota, and you can see how well that’s gone. I figure I’ve driven one car company into the ground—why stop with Isuzu? As David Cook sang in the Season Seven finals, “Dream big!”
Which brings us to the task at hand. While you were busy watching Yu-Na Kim skate her short program in Vancouver, I was evaluating the top twelve women in the season’s first live performance episode of “Idol.” Ah, sweet relief: We are back to the old format, the one which seemed to serve the contest well in Seasons Four through Seven, wherein we begin performance episodes with the top twelve guys and the top twelve girls. Each week the bottom two vote-getters are eliminated until we end up with six men and six women; then the tribes merge and one by one the least popular contestants are dropped.
You could argue—and I have—that the real top twelve might not consist of six men and six women; that in any given year it might be eight and four, or nine and three, or perhaps one and eleven, or even ten plus two, or . . . well, I don’t have to tell you how to add up to twelve.
Just the same, the Top 24 system in which two of each gender are dumped weekly is far better than last year’s semi-final system. As you may recall, the producers foisted the top 36 on us, divided into groups of twelve, and from each group the bottom nine vote-getters were eliminated, leaving us with a top twelve consisting of nine contestants who had performed live exactly once, plus three more (actually, four) who got to sing a second time and were picked by the judges out of the dreaded Wild Card Round.
This meant that, as the top twelve began, contestants (other than the three, actually four, losers who’d been saved through the Wild Card Round) had had almost no time to develop—either themselves or a following. So the first few vote-offs were almost arbitrary.
Now, when we hit the top twelve, we will already have seen all of those contestants perform three times, and we as voting citizens should at that point have a much better idea of who really should get sent packing. It all around just makes for a better world, don’t you think?
system doesn’t address the fact that America can still ultimately get it wrong, but even then it all works out. Despite last May’s results, Adam Lambert is now a superstar, while Kris Allen is reduced to doing Ford commercials.
(I hear a host of people simultaneously murmuring, “Ohhhh! That’s who that guy was in those Ford commercials!”)
So the “Idol” producers granted one of my wishes, but not the other, which was to return to a panel of three judges. Paula Abdul’s departure certainly gave me hope, but no—she was simply replaced, by an actual current star, Ellen DeGeneres, who has her own talk show and is a spokesmodel for Cover Girl cosmetics, although seeing her tonight I couldn’t for the life of me tell you why. Ellen wasn’t looking her easy-breezy-beautiful best, but worse than that, she seemed apologetic in her critiques and intimidated by the supposed musical bonafides of the rest of the panel. Oh, Ellen, please—get over it. Randy Jackson? He played drums for Air Supply or the Ink Spots or something, and that was a thousand years ago; it’s not like he’s Pavarotti, for crying out loud. Kara Didgeridoo has written some awful songs, in addition to some songs she has written that are truly awful. And Simon Cowell is a record producer, which means he can do exactly what Ellen can do—which is to say he can listen.
I mean, honestly. When has not having a musical background ever stopped me from critiquing “American Idol”?
And it won’t tonight. Here we go.
For those of you who are among the uninitiated or forgetful, following each contestant’s name and song selection, you’ll see two numbers, which are the scores I have given that contestant for the night.
Each contestant receives two scores—a rank and a rating. The rank is from 1 to, in this case, 12, because there were twelve contestants, with 1 representing my pick for the best in the round, 2 for the second best, and so on, down to 12 for the, um, twelfth best. No ties.
The second number is the rating, from 100 for utter perfection (Melinda Doolittle singing “My Funny Valentine” or “Home” in Season Six, for example, or Fantasia Barrino’s “Summertime” in Season Three) to 70 (if you remember the Roman boys, Jesus and Noel, from Season Three, you know what I’m talking about). Again, no ties.
In other words, the first number, the rank, reflects how I thought each contestant fared in relation to the other contestants in the round, and the second number, the rating, reflects how each contestant performed when judged against a qualitative standard. Together, they paint a complete picture for you of the quality of each contestant’s performance. (A contestant who receives a 1/85 was the best of a mediocre lot; in another week, a contestant who receives a 10/90 was the tenth best but was really good and was beaten by contestants even better.)
This is the scoring system employed by the National Forensic Association in intercollegiate public speaking competition and it remains the only complete and fair scoring system in existence, and if they only had sense enough to use it the Miss America Pageant would still be on broadcast network television instead of in fringe time on basic cable.
In order of appearance:
PAIGE MILES—It’s All Right Now—8 / 83
For some reason, after this song, the judges praised Paige for having the best voice among the women in the competition. Yes, she hit the big notes; yes, she hit the high notes; yes, she gave a nice upward slide to the last note in the song. And she looked great, in her black lace top with the silver sash and her beaming smile. But I just didn’t find anything particularly unusual or distinctive about her voice or her style. Pretty voice, pretty girl, pretty forgettable.
ASHLEY RODRIGUEZ—Happy—9 / 82
Ashley has a long face, a fact I noted so that I could remember later which contestant she is, which she accented with an obscene and unnecessary amount of pink metal-flake lipstick. The song allowed her to show some vocal range, and she hit all the notes, but poor Ashley needs to learn how to use a microphone. She sang straight into the thing, so it picked up and amplified every sibilant “s” and plosive “p” in the lyric. This distracted from her vocal, which all in all I thought was pretty good. The judges didn’t, though; they panned her performance. And if you thought she had a long face before . . .
JANELL WHEELER—What About Love?—10 / 79
Finally! Someone who can, in the grand tradition of “American Idol,” sing off-key! Janell finished strong but she struggled through some noticeably iffy notes on her way there. In addition, she lacked confidence in her movement around the stage—she looked uncomfortable up there. Interestingly and inexplicably, Ellen thought just the opposite, that Janell took command of the stage. Evidently what Ellen calls commanding, I call bow-legged pussyfooting. Whatever.
LILLY SCOTT—Fixing a Hole—2 / 92
Lilly is a 20-year-old rocker-looking chick with a little-girl voice who has stolen Ann Jillian’s hair. Lilly accompanied herself on guitar, a good thing, but had some trouble with some of the low notes in the song, a bad thing. Her facial expressions didn’t always match the lyrics, and she had some enunciation problems too (I kept wondering exactly what kind of hole she was fixing), but you know what? Watching her and listening to her was a completely different experience, singular—interesting. I liked her.
KATELYN EPPERLY—Oh! Darling—4 / 89
Another follicle thief: Katelyn, Bernadette Peters called, and she insists that you return the ringlets at once. You may keep the scorpion that you affixed to them. Miss Peters did say that she enjoyed your voice, more distinctive than many others in this round of competition, but while she admired your creative approach, she questioned the wisdom of the cracky, croaky, glottal-stopping approach to the line “I nearly broke down and crah / ah / ah / ah / ah / eyed.” But mostly she said she wants her hair back.
HAELEY VAUGHN—I Want to Hold Your Hand—12 / 76
In her video package, Haeley explained that her mother had promised her that, if she made it to Hollywood Week on “American Idol,” she could have her nose pierced. Thanks to Jon and Kate and Octomom and the Heenes, this is what good parenting has become: “Yes, darling, I promise, if you win that contest and go on national television, I will let you mutilate yourself.” It should come as no surprise that this poor 16-year-old child, growing up in such a toxic atmosphere, the “American Idol” equivalent of “Precious” (based on the novel “Sapphire,” by a pusher), would be the conductor on the train wreck of the night. She wore a baby-doll dress, all layered and frilly. I would have paid more attention to it, but I was struck dumb by the amount of glitter on her face. She accompanied herself on the guitar, too. Did I mention she has a lisp? Oh, yes, and she yodeled. I am not kidding.
LACEY BROWN—Landslide—11 / 78
Lacey evidently has a back story, which I’d be more familiar with if I watched the audition episodes of this show. Apparently she auditioned last year and was one of the last to be offed, pre-Hollywood Week. This year the judges advanced her, but from this performance I can’t tell you why. Some notes—especially softer ones—were way off the mark. That might have been less noticeable if the performance had been interesting to watch, but there was no movement—Lacey remained seated on a stool throughout—and she nervously kept shifting the microphone from one hand to the other. I think this girl has potential, but tonight was not her night.
MICHELLE DELAMOR—Fallin’—6 / 86
As soon as Ryan Seacrest announced that Michelle was doing a song made famous by Alicia Keys, I thought, “Here we go again—the judges are going to tell her not to sing any song by Alicia (Celine, Mariah, Leona, etc.) because anyone who does can never live up to the original.” Sure enough, that’s exactly what happened. I have a problem with songs like this, too, but it’s a different problem than the judges’: I think contestants should avoid them because they’re just not very good songs. Michelle has a good voice, somewhat higher pitched than most, and she was on key throughout. But the song just wasn’t anything special.
DIDI BENAMI—The Way I Am—5 / 88
The role of Brooke White is now being played by Didi Benami, who for some reason was wearing the oval woven Indian rug that my mother had on the kitchen floor, in front of the stove, from 1962 through 1967. Randy-style mad props to Didi for being the first contestant to look like she was actually thinking about and interpreting the lyrics as she sang them. And, oh, what lyrics she had to interpret: “I’ll buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.” I can imagine that line in a comic Cole Porter list song of the 1930s, but in a ballad about the power of love to boost the self-esteem of the beloved? I had no idea product placement deals were now being struck with songwriters, but that’s viral marketing for you. Anyway: Didi fills the role of the loopy, goofy, blonde hippie with an interesting voice played in an earlier season by Miss White, and other than a lousy last note and a truly bizarre song choice, she played it very well. She’s interesting.
SIOBHAN MAGNUS—Wicked Game—3 / 91
Interesting, too, is Siobhan Magnus, a 19-year-old apprentice glassblower from Cape Cod who, in her pre-performance video package looked exactly like . . . a boy. I mean, really. A boy. When she came out on stage to perform, though—this was definitely not a boy. The stunning transformation made me want to watch her, but her vocal performance made me want to listen to her, too. Yes, there were a couple of notes that veered off pitch, but this performance demonstrated remarkable vocal control and the ability to subtly, gradually build. Siobhan’s was one of the most accomplished vocals of the night—and to think it came from a 19-year-old glassblower who looks like a boy. Amazing.
CRYSTAL BOWERSOX—Hand in My Pocket—1 / 93
Crystal is this year’s single mom, who was refreshingly candid in her pre-performance interview about the fact that she’s never watched “American Idol” and tried out for the show only to build a better life for her son. That she’s not an “Idol” watcher was evident from her performance. With disheveled hair and apparently missing her canine teeth (or did she black them out to get the sympathy vote?), Crystal accompanied herself on the guitar and the harmonica, and sang with a world-weary edge to her voice completely at odds with the usual “Idol” belting divas. She has real talent. I loved it.
KATIE STEVENS—Feelin’ Good—7 / 84
Katie, Katie, Katie. I know you’re only 17 years old and cute as a button and you wouldn’t know this on your own, but somebody should have clued you in. Two seasons ago, one of the top twelve girls and one of the top twelve guys sang this song during Top 24 Week, and they were both eliminated. And last year, the week Adam Lambert sang it, he wound up in the Bottom Three. This is the song of doom. Anyone who sings “Feelin’ Good” won’t for long.
Note to Ryan and the writers: “Feelin’ Good” is not “by Michael Bublé.” He sang it, yes, but it’s not by him. It’s by Anthony Newley and Leslie Bricusse, from their musical The Roar of the Greasepaint—The Smell of the Crowd, vintage 1965, making it about ten years older than you are, Ryan. Sheesh.
Okay, so there you have it. On my ballot, Crystal, Lilly and Siobhan are the big winners of the night, and Haeley and Lacey are headed home. We’ll find out Thursday, when I will be trying to watch the results show, the ladies’ figure skating long program, and “Survivor” simultaneously. Talk about feelin’ good.
In the meantime—tomorrow it’s Boys’ Night Out. Talk to you then!
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